BIRTH PLAN — So, we did them with both kids and forgot them at home both times. With kid 1, absolutely nothing happened according to plan. BUT it did provide a good prompt for us to think about the things we wanted and become educated. By having the conversation you can discover whether there are actually things you feel passionate about (like … delayed cord clamping. Who knew??). Related: even though we did feel strongly about some things, the moment a doctor said we should do something else, all confidence went out the window. For that reason, a doula or other third party would have been really helpful. We didn’t use for either kiddo, but know one definitely would have been valuable, especially w/ kid 1.

IT’S OK TO USE THE NURSERY — Lots of hospitals are very much pushing the baby rooming with the parents to encourage nursing and bonding. And that’s really great, and totally believe in that! But y’all will be EXHAUSTED. And it’s OK to give yourself a break for a quick nap or two while you can … ’cause the nurses don’t come home with you. How will you know when? Falling asleep holding baby …

YOU’RE THE BUFFER — Consider yourself her advocate. She (and you) may not want the 18th person coming over bringing a casserole to come in and hold the baby. Have a list of excuses and learn her cues to know when to tell people no. (Note: Of course, everyone is different. I became a bit of a recluse for the first little bit with the babies and needed Michael to just handle things/people/etc for me because I didn’t want to be mean and turn down people’s kindness.)

Also SO HAPPY FOR YOU!

Secondly, you sound well-off enough to not be worrying too much about money so this advice may not apply to you but I’ll post it here in case anyone else finds it useful:

I’m 33 yrs old, wife is 36 and we both still have student loans, car payment, mortgage, credit cards, medical bills, etc etc. Money is definitely a concern for both of us and our baby girl is due in July 2016. We met with our bank manager and worked out a plan to consolidate our high-interest debt into a single low-interest account. It has greatly improved our financial situation and is affording me the ability to start setting aside more money each month for savings and unforeseen baby expenses / emergencies.

My coworker has a 2 yr old and is always telling me horror stories about his wife (who is a nurse) rushing their kid to the ER for every hiccup or sniffle or cough. I recommend that if you haven’t done so already, meet with your HR rep and figure out if you need to change your insurance coverage during the next enrollment period because what you can afford now as a duo will change when you become a trio.

This part isn’t strictly Dadvice, but I’ll include it anyway: to those thinking about becoming pregnant, many employers don’t provide maternity leave and you can’t sign up for Short term Disability insurance once pregnant so make sure to do it beforehand, otherwise you’re stuck taking unpaid FMLA. And I learned the hard way that that part of my insurance doesn’t extend to my wife.

Maybe some of this stuff is obvious for many folks, but it wasn’t to me so I hope someone reading this found it mildly useful.

Also, never hesitate to poll parents as you go. We have LOTS of opinions. ?

Advice for Matt: Being a full time Mom can be an emotional roller coaster, and the downs can be greatly intensified when a stranger asks, “You’re a full time mom, right? So what do you do all day?” or simply “What are you doing today?” It is easy to get frustrated as we look back on our day and see that we didn’t accomplish anything notable. Alan always tells me, “Your job is to keep yourself and our kid(s) alive. It looks like everyone is breathing to me. Everyone has eaten and is wearing (mostly) clean clothes. Today was a success!” It can be easy for a full-time mom to feel guilty about giving a child enough attention or not getting things done because too much time was spent on the kids. It can be easy for moms to feel as if they are not contributing to the world or that they are a failure because they aren’t able to keep the house clean or food cooked for every meal. Being a full time mom can be extremely challenging in so many ways, but with a supportive husband it can also be the most fulfilling job a mom can have. I am so glad that I got to spend 19 months with Tess and 4 years with Isaac. I would have never have been able to get those 19 months back, but neither would I be able to get back the first 4 years of Isaac’s life. Your child(ren) will grow so fast, and if it works for your family, having their own parent as the primary caretaker for them each day is worth more than a million job promotions/raises/etc. At the same time, if Theresa finds that being a full time mom is not for her, there is absolutely no shame in going back to work. I feel like I am constantly being surrounded with people who have reasons that it is best to have 2 working parents…and I am no expert on the subject, so I won’t expand upon this point, but do know that you are the parents and you should not feel like any answer is “the right answer” unless it is the answer that works best for your family.

Awesome list, Doug. Thanks!

DO: Digest “Happiest Baby on the Block.” Highly recommended.
DON’T: Read the books until the baby is about to come unless you are a dedicated note taker. You’ll forget in the intervening five months.

DO: Read to your child and play your favorite music in vitro. Helps to give you more of a connection.

DO: Be prepared for the nesting phase right before the baby arrives. You’ll have the nursery all ready, then there will be an uncontrollable urge to re-organize the pantry or deep clean the fridge. Go with it.

DO: SLEEP. Don’t try to be a hero and get up for every feeding as “moral support.” Get your rest so that you can provide real support when your wife needs 4-5 hours uninterrupted sleep herself.

DON’T: Refuse help, from anyone. Or a meal.

DO: Have conversations with your baby in a normal voice from Day One. No need to go full NPR, though.

DO: This is my favorite advice we got from a friend…Celebrate the LASTS. You’ll obviously celebrate the first rolling over, the first smile, the first diaper explosion (WHAT DID YOU EAT?!?!). But cherish the lasts, too. The last time they roll over before they learn to crawl. The last time you swaddle them up before putting them to bed. It’s a fun way to mark their development.

Until this comment thread, I didn’t even know that a “birth plan” was an actual thing that you would write out. I think I’m going to learn a lot in birthing class.

Maybe I’m wrong. Look it up for yourself. But anyway, some of labor can be kind of boring for the father, I imagine. Also, you really do drop everything and just DO IT, so it isn’t like you have to juggle anything else with it. Plus if you completely support Theresa during labor and delivery, it will do a great deal to cement your marriage forever. That’s what a great husband and dad does.

Also, I like birth plans. Only one of ours ever totally worked out, but it was a comfort to think that we had made some decisions in advance.

There’s nothing average about us! But seriously…wow. That’s a scary average.